Only Two Choices

I've been sick for the last four days; not a big deal, sore throat, achy etc. I worked out much harder in the last ten days prior to my illness and stressed myself. Being home alone, not having energy to work or do my deal, I was depressed. Makes sense. It felt much bigger than it was, since I woke up in a great mood today I can see the drama I created in my mind. Being ill gave me a shit-ton of time to think. Which I can be very good at.

I thought of all the times I was down, or depressed or stressed about my life. It has always gotten better. Maybe not exactly how I wanted it to, but definitely better. Some people are who they are, no matter what. Some of us change our minds. That is, after all, the only thing we can change fully. I see that as a constant. I can change me. If my paradigm is not fitting well, then I can change to suit. No matter, things will change around me after that. It's not a "secret", this is not religious, it is a simple observation of how things work.

We look on the gross level for change, but subtle change is what lasts. The subtleties are where the dance begins. I am a result of all my small choices, my daily choices: what food to eat, how much to sleep, how much water to drink, who to talk with, what to take in visually. The big ones are obvious choices, less disciplined moves. Each small choice I make constructs me. Each one is a decision to add strength or weaken me. No other choice exist. Some choices I don't know the out come to until after the fact. If I'm strong enough I can weather any choice.

I wasn't strong enough to handle my choice in my upgraded worked out, just yet. I got sick. No harm, no foul. Gave me time to think. I'm one of those people who can find an opportunity in any situation. Where is the room to grow? That must be how weeds survive. I have recently, for the last year or so, forgotten what type of person I am. I wonder if it takes that long to find one's singularity... I want to say after a marriage, but my plural-ness wasn't just because of my mate. It has taken me a long time to grow. I am still growing, still figuring out my world.

Yes, things aren't exactly as I'd like them right now. And when are they ever? If so when do they stay like that? When things are too calm I tip the boat on purpose just to see waves. If I'm prepared I can hang on. If not, into the drink I go. I think I created some waves that just took a long time to return from the edge of the pond. I forgot I did that and wasn't quite ready for their return.

I think I can see the world as full of possibilities and anticipate great things or full of fear and disaster. That's how I came to that conclusion, two types of people:

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
—Albert Einstein

I agree whole-heartedly, Al. Today I know which camp I land in, and it took getting sick to see that choice.