I thought about all those times I’d set my wants aside for my mate’s wants or what I perceived as his needs. When I wanted to work on some personal project but I made dinner instead, what part of me was I ignoring? My independence? My creativity? When I chose to pay bills, do laundry, clean the house all in some timely manner so our home was comfortable, what part of me was not being acknowledged. When I shut my mind and emotions off and acquiesced to middle-of-the-night-married-sex... That wasn’t hard to understand, my passionate self, my lover, was being suppressed. How did this effect me now? What were the consequences of this behavior?
So, now that I have had some distance from the divorce process, the grieving and freaking out, I’ve come to understand some parts of me. A book that helped was written by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of Mature Masculine.” In a series of over lapping events I got involved in a women’s group that was loosely based on these archetypes, which we, of course, feminized.
An archetype is, according to Wikipedia,
“... original model of a person, ideal example, or a prototype after which others are copied, patterned, or emulated; a symbol universally recognized by all. In psychology, an archetype is a model of a person, personality, or behavior.”
So, with this in mind I began my decent into my patterns and modeled behaviors. I wanted insight into why I did what I did, to live more authentically. I also wanted to see those parts of myself I so easily dismissed and replaced by what I thought were valid and just behaviors in order to be a participant in my marriage. Where do I begin to unravel the tangle of behaviors and patterns that all directed me to this place in my life? What do I keep and what has served me well, because after all, I am still vertical and that accounts for some measure of success.
In the beginning I dated, well still am, often. Why this deep need to date, to be near a man? I don’t feel needy. I don’t feel lost. I do, however, feel the need to connect sexually. Is this my greatly suppressed Lover archetype struggling to surface? Of course it is. How can I dive head first into my other passion, photography, without acknowledging, in part, my Lover archetype. There is also a theory, by Robert Bly and some other wise people like Carl Jung, that we have light and shadow parts of each archetype.
Wikipedia goes on...
“Archetypes are likewise supposed to have been present in folklore and literature for thousands of years, including prehistoric artwork. The use of archetypes to illuminate personality and literature was advanced by Carl Jung early in the 20th century, who suggested the existence of universal countless forms that channel experiences and emotions, resulting in recognizable and typical patterns of behavior with certain probable outcomes. Archetypes are cited as important to both ancient mythology and modern narratives, as argued by Joseph Campbell in works such as The Hero With a Thousand Faces.”
So, if I am operating unconsciously from my shadow Lover archetype what does that mean? What does it mean to bring forth more light Lover behaviors? How do I manifest these aspects of myself?
A brief definition of the Lover by Mickenze Van Herpen:
The Lover is driven by the need for relationship and connection.
Her goal is to speak truth in a loving way.
Her light Lover is flowing feminine, unconditional love, going with the flow.
The shadow Lover is manipulative, controlling, and both the victim and the martyr.
When I read this, and still read it now, I am struck by how true this rings for me. I was a martyr for years in my relationship. I was the victim, not by saying how badly I was treated, but by implying that I was not cared for properly, that I was taken for granted. Although true for me, the way I communicated this information was from a victim and martyr perspective, certainly not a sense of awareness or power.
Most recently I’ve begun to shoot clones of myself, or multiplicities. I am interacting with myself. This has brought these archetypes to full life. I see myself in my light Lover in my cranberry colored pajama top comforting myself. I did this all on intuition, however, I did not recognize it until days later when the art was completed.
When I dressed in my corset and stockings to show my shoes off (or so I thought) I saw another version of me. I thought what I was doing was edgy and exciting, maybe even sexy, however, I didn’t see the shadow version of this behavior until later. These clothes are things I do not wear in public, but keep them hidden and stored away for my lover and I to enjoy. This is a positive expression of a shadow Lover aspect. If I had shame about this, felt I was somehow “bad” because I own or like these clothes, then it would be considered negative shadow Lover behavior and something I would want to bring clarity to. I feel grateful I’m now comfortable in my Lover aspect, light and shadow, and that I’ve seen it from another point of view artistically.
I’m still exploring and getting to know “me” and all the parts that make up "me" however I’m enjoying this now that I have some idea how to do it. I’m not afraid of what I might find. I also can see why I stayed in a passionless marriage for so long, why I stuck my Lover in my shadow bag to be ignored for years and how it has effected me emotionally and artistically. I was afraid, unwilling to become a woman, still wanting to be cared for in some adolescent way. I was afraid of what I might find in my shadow bag, and how I might be judged. When I came to the understanding that I am my own judge, my highest authority, and can comfort myself it made looking in that bag a lot less scary.
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