Only Two Choices

I've been sick for the last four days; not a big deal, sore throat, achy etc. I worked out much harder in the last ten days prior to my illness and stressed myself. Being home alone, not having energy to work or do my deal, I was depressed. Makes sense. It felt much bigger than it was, since I woke up in a great mood today I can see the drama I created in my mind. Being ill gave me a shit-ton of time to think. Which I can be very good at.

I thought of all the times I was down, or depressed or stressed about my life. It has always gotten better. Maybe not exactly how I wanted it to, but definitely better. Some people are who they are, no matter what. Some of us change our minds. That is, after all, the only thing we can change fully. I see that as a constant. I can change me. If my paradigm is not fitting well, then I can change to suit. No matter, things will change around me after that. It's not a "secret", this is not religious, it is a simple observation of how things work.

We look on the gross level for change, but subtle change is what lasts. The subtleties are where the dance begins. I am a result of all my small choices, my daily choices: what food to eat, how much to sleep, how much water to drink, who to talk with, what to take in visually. The big ones are obvious choices, less disciplined moves. Each small choice I make constructs me. Each one is a decision to add strength or weaken me. No other choice exist. Some choices I don't know the out come to until after the fact. If I'm strong enough I can weather any choice.

I wasn't strong enough to handle my choice in my upgraded worked out, just yet. I got sick. No harm, no foul. Gave me time to think. I'm one of those people who can find an opportunity in any situation. Where is the room to grow? That must be how weeds survive. I have recently, for the last year or so, forgotten what type of person I am. I wonder if it takes that long to find one's singularity... I want to say after a marriage, but my plural-ness wasn't just because of my mate. It has taken me a long time to grow. I am still growing, still figuring out my world.

Yes, things aren't exactly as I'd like them right now. And when are they ever? If so when do they stay like that? When things are too calm I tip the boat on purpose just to see waves. If I'm prepared I can hang on. If not, into the drink I go. I think I created some waves that just took a long time to return from the edge of the pond. I forgot I did that and wasn't quite ready for their return.

I think I can see the world as full of possibilities and anticipate great things or full of fear and disaster. That's how I came to that conclusion, two types of people:

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
—Albert Einstein

I agree whole-heartedly, Al. Today I know which camp I land in, and it took getting sick to see that choice.

Try Doing It

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic . . .
"Try doing it with the engine running.”

Happy New Year all! I hope this new year, and new decade, will prove to be better, different and much more balanced than the last.

The "7 Steps to Relive you of your Thoughts" although tongue-in-cheek is probably how most people maintain ignorance.

I watched a documentary (shocked?) on how our culture can be the most intelligent with information at our finger tips. It appears they works very hard to achieve ignorance and appease their minds w/reality TV or shopping or mindless activities. Very few will allow themselves to show their intelligence for fear of making another appear person stupid. As if that were possible! The documentary, as it were, asked the question: “What does stupid mean?”

Many columnist are told to write to a 8th grade reading level or their audience is that of a 10 year old or some formula to appeal to the lowest common denominator; casting the widest net to have the largest reading (or in TV’s case view) audience. COMMON! As in COMMON sense?

I want what is rare, curious, intriguing... Did you know that the Phoenix Lights was the largest (according to the documentary, “The Phoenix Lights”) mass UFO sighting in history? These “experts” also estimated the craft was a mile wide and traveled down I17 from North to South and across controlled air space of the Phoenix airport. I did not hear much about those lights in the way of facts from the local media. WHAT IS MEDIA FOR? What are the newspapers for? Were they afraid of an 8th graders reaction to an Unidentified Flying Object? Approximately 10,000 people witnessed the craft, that hovered over the city the night of Hale Bop. Curious it would appear that night... Something to ponder, if you are inclined to thinking.

I have gone off on a tangent, as I do. Thanks for following along.

Back to the subject - anyone that knows me, knows I think. I think, use my mind, figure things out, observe and occasionally get caught up in a tangle when emotions come into play. I have also been ACCUSED of over analyzing. If that was ever possible! I make my OWN observations based on the available facts and then judge the situation. I admit, I do judge. Everyone one does, some of us own our judgments. Some act as if they are above judgement. How do you judge distances you non-judgmental people? Curious.

Since I’ve brought this topic up, re: thinking. I want to thank every one of you who have helped me untangle my emotions from my thoughts, stood by while I grew out of my marriage, my old job and my previous way of life. Even learned how to be the artist I know to be, not the one I thought I had to be. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all your support, time spent listening, and words of encouragement. Here’s to a new point of view, a new way to look at the world in the new year! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Rodeo Photography, World's Toughest

Rodeo photography Etiquette: Tips and Hints


No matter if you are a cowboy or someone who thinks horses are a lot like dogs, its easy to get caught up in the excitement of a rodeo. The back-breaking jerking that the cowboy goes through to stay on is hard to watch all the while hoping he does or doesn't get thrown. Will the bronc or bull win?


If you have the photography gene then watching isn't enough at a rodeo, you'll want to get in the thick of things, capture a moment, freeze the determined looks on the rider and the ridden's faces. Now, the question is "how"?



1.) Get as close as you can without blocking someone else's view. Even though I was in the media section, once at a rodeo, I was told by a spectator "I paid good money for these seats and want to see the whole thing." Got it! I moved. He was right. I have no more importance than anyone else, just because I have a camera and even media credentials didn't mean I should block his enjoyment. Common courtesy goes a long way.




2.) The lighting is not ideal in an arena. So, if you can have an on-board flash, use it. You just never know how close those bulls and broncs will get to the rail. Jack that ISO up as high as you can. A shit-ton of noise is better than blurry images. I made the fatal mistake of thinking my ISO was good at 400, since it looked fine on my LCD. I have no idea what I was thinking either. It was not my first rodeo. I shot the entire thing on manual, no sweat, however, having a low ISO meant every single freaking image was blurry. I will NEVER make that mistake again. NEVER TRUST YOUR LCD!


Low ISO photo: Yellow rider


3.) NEVER TRUSTS YORU LCD! Know your settings before you go into the arena. If you do refer to your LCD, check your histogram. It will gradually peak in the middle. No sharp peaks, which could mean you blew the whites out.

Out of the chute


4.) Never walk up to a horse and flash without first asking permission, which leads to another point, if you do not have experience around horses, just because they are large animals does not give you permission to "pet" them. Some people prefer you do not touch their horses, while others simply do not mind. Back to the flash! You never know which horse is spooky about flashes. Horses have binocular vision, which means they can't see directly in front. When you stroke a horse on the nose, they lose sight of your hand. Now that's trust, if you ask me. Horse-sight fans out from either side of their heads. They are prey animals, and are always on the look out for predators, which are US. Horses have been ridden by humans for thousands of years, yes, AND they are still always on the look out for danger on some level. Even those horses who are "bomb proof" still have a cellular memory of threats. Err on the side of caution and use your flash with care when shooting around unfamiliar horses.

Back end


5.) Always, always, smile at the person and animal you are about to photograph. You are TAKING a photograph of that person, you can at least offer a smile in exchange for their small amount of time. Besides, I think smiling helps your artwork and some times your subject will smile back!

Spencer, Riata Ranch Cowboy Girl

There are tons more tips I can share, and this is a good amount to start out with for now. Good luck and always remember, photograph what flirts with you!

Lady Gaga's Bad Boyfriend

I just watched Lady Gaga music video ...

Seriously stimulating, filled with edgy images combined with clever and thought provoking lyrics. God, if she has a small fraction to do w/anything she is preforming she's very creative. I'm truly impressed w/this video. I didn't want to take my eyes off of it for a second thinking I'd miss some crucial part. I haven't seen a video that wasn't redundant in a long time.

Well done Lady Gaga and all those who get you out in the limelight!

Light Lover Shadow Lover

When I was going through my divorce I was told I should get to know myself. Spend time alone, get comfortable being alone. I felt I’d been alone for years. Was I a stranger to myself because I was married? I thought I knew what my friends meant, but when I tried to put this into practice I didn’t know which self I should get to know or even where to begin.

I thought about all those times I’d set my wants aside for my mate’s wants or what I perceived as his needs. When I wanted to work on some personal project but I made dinner instead, what part of me was I ignoring? My independence? My creativity? When I chose to pay bills, do laundry, clean the house all in some timely manner so our home was comfortable, what part of me was not being acknowledged. When I shut my mind and emotions off and acquiesced to middle-of-the-night-married-sex... That wasn’t hard to understand, my passionate self, my lover, was being suppressed. How did this effect me now? What were the consequences of this behavior?

So, now that I have had some distance from the divorce process, the grieving and freaking out, I’ve come to understand some parts of me. A book that helped was written by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of Mature Masculine.” In a series of over lapping events I got involved in a women’s group that was loosely based on these archetypes, which we, of course, feminized.

An archetype is, according to Wikipedia,

“... original model of a person, ideal example, or a prototype after which others are copied, patterned, or emulated; a symbol universally recognized by all. In psychology, an archetype is a model of a person, personality, or behavior.”

So, with this in mind I began my decent into my patterns and modeled behaviors. I wanted insight into why I did what I did, to live more authentically. I also wanted to see those parts of myself I so easily dismissed and replaced by what I thought were valid and just behaviors in order to be a participant in my marriage. Where do I begin to unravel the tangle of behaviors and patterns that all directed me to this place in my life? What do I keep and what has served me well, because after all, I am still vertical and that accounts for some measure of success.

In the beginning I dated, well still am, often. Why this deep need to date, to be near a man? I don’t feel needy. I don’t feel lost. I do, however, feel the need to connect sexually. Is this my greatly suppressed Lover archetype struggling to surface? Of course it is. How can I dive head first into my other passion, photography, without acknowledging, in part, my Lover archetype. There is also a theory, by Robert Bly and some other wise people like Carl Jung, that we have light and shadow parts of each archetype.

Wikipedia goes on...
“Archetypes are likewise supposed to have been present in folklore and literature for thousands of years, including prehistoric artwork. The use of archetypes to illuminate personality and literature was advanced by Carl Jung early in the 20th century, who suggested the existence of universal countless forms that channel experiences and emotions, resulting in recognizable and typical patterns of behavior with certain probable outcomes. Archetypes are cited as important to both ancient mythology and modern narratives, as argued by Joseph Campbell in works such as The Hero With a Thousand Faces.”


So, if I am operating unconsciously from my shadow Lover archetype what does that mean? What does it mean to bring forth more light Lover behaviors? How do I manifest these aspects of myself?

A brief definition of the Lover by Mickenze Van Herpen:

The Lover is driven by the need for relationship and connection.
Her goal is to speak truth in a loving way.
Her light Lover is flowing feminine, unconditional love, going with the flow.
The shadow Lover is manipulative, controlling, and both the victim and the martyr.

When I read this, and still read it now, I am struck by how true this rings for me. I was a martyr for years in my relationship. I was the victim, not by saying how badly I was treated, but by implying that I was not cared for properly, that I was taken for granted. Although true for me, the way I communicated this information was from a victim and martyr perspective, certainly not a sense of awareness or power.

Most recently I’ve begun to shoot clones of myself, or multiplicities. I am interacting with myself. This has brought these archetypes to full life. I see myself in my light Lover in my cranberry colored pajama top comforting myself. I did this all on intuition, however, I did not recognize it until days later when the art was completed.



When I dressed in my corset and stockings to show my shoes off (or so I thought) I saw another version of me. I thought what I was doing was edgy and exciting, maybe even sexy, however, I didn’t see the shadow version of this behavior until later. These clothes are things I do not wear in public, but keep them hidden and stored away for my lover and I to enjoy. This is a positive expression of a shadow Lover aspect. If I had shame about this, felt I was somehow “bad” because I own or like these clothes, then it would be considered negative shadow Lover behavior and something I would want to bring clarity to. I feel grateful I’m now comfortable in my Lover aspect, light and shadow, and that I’ve seen it from another point of view artistically.



I’m still exploring and getting to know “me” and all the parts that make up "me" however I’m enjoying this now that I have some idea how to do it. I’m not afraid of what I might find. I also can see why I stayed in a passionless marriage for so long, why I stuck my Lover in my shadow bag to be ignored for years and how it has effected me emotionally and artistically. I was afraid, unwilling to become a woman, still wanting to be cared for in some adolescent way. I was afraid of what I might find in my shadow bag, and how I might be judged. When I came to the understanding that I am my own judge, my highest authority, and can comfort myself it made looking in that bag a lot less scary.

Clay Heals Horse On the Razor

We are a complex society. We love this game, this idea of layers of intricate systems. Our education system is built on layers of knowledge and (we hope) a deep understanding of that knowledge, which is built on our predecessors knowledge.

There are other things at work that we do not understand and does not equate to complexity and cannot be understood with education. Our ideas of things being understood with a detailed and many faceted body of knowledge is projected onto our bodies and how they function. It is not just our bodies, but our idea of healing as well. We think it is so complex we need an interpreter, a doctor, to tell us what our bodies are doing, what healing looks like. What we fail to understand is that healing can be simple.

We have forgotten the principle of Occam's Razor which is that "entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily" when ever possible. So, when it comes to physical healing this principle can be applied to avoid the tangle of our current medical mentality.

With that said, I was asked to take photos of a colt who was not quite a year. This young horse got hung up in barbed wire and was left to "heal" on his own. A week went by and the infection set in when the Luv Shack heard about him. (Simple healing does not mean neglect.) The Luv Shack encouraged the "keepers" to allow him to be relocated and placed him at Los Cedros Stables. This little horse was just beginning his lucky streak.

His name is Captain, for now. He had two gaping wounds on his underside and between his front legs on his chest. The wound was very deep and gruesome.

He is a friendly little guy, was only a little skittish when I saw him in his first week, and stood quietly while having his dressing changed. Standing quiet for a yearling is virtually impossible.


[1 week injury untreated]


[Depth of Untreated Injury]

Lisa Schram and Kim Versage are changing his dressings twice a day. Through the horse channel (you all know this channel, similar to the grape vine and faster than a can and a string) Walter became known who does French clay treatments. He offered to help Captain.


[Wound Preparation]

I went to photograph Captain and the process of his wound cleaning and dressing Saturday (7/19/09), which was about 3 weeks since the initial injury.


[Approximately 1 week of treatment]

After having photographed the clay process, and met Walter, I went to his site. I have been reading and looking at the photos of the wounds he's treated with this simple process of clay poultice all morning. I'm moved by horses emotionally anyway, however, this had a much larger impact on me. Not just the amazing resilient ability of horses to heal, but the willingness of the keepers to try something so simple, so unusual to our western medical treatments, had me in tears. My faith in human compassion was restored.


[French Clay application]

And the results of the healing, the natural healing aided by humans, is astonishing.

See the stories here:

frenchclayforall.com